Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
