i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.