the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
His nipple licking is glorious
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