I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
