Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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