I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize