I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
