shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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