FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
