i need an iv and a liver transplant
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
