Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
