my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
