im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My life is pants optional.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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