It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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