Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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