It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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