I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
