I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
