I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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