she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
