she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
