some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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