i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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