the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
