I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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