he wants to bone in the snuggie
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
