took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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