Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
