drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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