The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Mom said you looked used
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
