We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
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Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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