so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
