guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
