Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
