his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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