It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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