My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
operation have a gay friend backfired
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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