I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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