so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
