I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
