mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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