Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
