Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
