if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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