mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
