Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
