Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
