guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
