Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
