Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
