When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
