I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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