THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
