I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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