Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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